March has been great so far. I have been doing a ton of working out in PT and at home. I also got my eyes checked Monday, and things are okay, but not great. I have cataracts in both eyes, and my current left lens is too strong, so a new one has been made for me. I saw my medication management specialist this week too. Since I am not seeing a counselor, I am seeing her once a month to make sure that if I have a bad day, we can tweak the medications. So far, the DID has been controllable with the current dose. I love psychology and psychiatry. Not just because I am a patient, but because the whole thing facinates me. Today, The View will talk about Rosie O'Donnell's depression since Columbine in 1999. I'd be the same way too...it wasn't a pretty day for Colorado. I felt a lot of things when Columbine happened. I understood why the students shot their classmates. When you are bullied at school, there's no escape. You can talk to teachers and principals, and it still doesn't solve the problem. You feel trapped as a victim. Teachers used to yell at me for being so clingy, and what they didn't realize was, I was being bullied too.

My new memoir will have a chapter on this too, so don't feel like you're missing out because you don't find details in here. The truth is, my memoir is full of things that happened to me. I am living with scars from so many people who swore they could straighten me out. Today, people don't scare me. God and Hell don't scare me. Hell is on Earth. When you grow up bullied, disabled and gay, you manage to find ways to survive. People will try to change everything about you, from the orientation to the disability. But they can't. Since they can't, they bully you until you can't stand it anymore. This is why Columbine happened. Kids are cruel at any age, even as adults.

If I had been at Columbine, I would have shot folks too. It's better than being chased through the halls, up the elevator, and down the main hallway to Biology class your sophmore year. All the while, the kids chasing you are making fun of the way you walk. Yeah, I could have put a gun to their heads. I could have done it in college too. Two teenage girls stole my board card with all of my money, and my roommate found the card. Then, the police got involved. Both girls were taken to a juvenile detention center, where they were told that they had to write letters of apology. Ha. And this was supposed to be adequate punishment.

Anyway, something stopped me during these days to actually bring a gun to school. I guess it was my attitude. Whenever people say or do things to me that are negative, I let it roll off my back. There is usually a threat, but I never let it get to the point where I actually want to cause harm the way these people do. Words and actions are things that you should be held accountable for, no matter what, or who you happen to be, police involvement or not.

I'm not afraid of God throwing me away into Hell. She'll do that anyway based on my not spotless past and not spotless present. I come with many stains. And I don't really care who likes me or dislikes me. God is the key person here. She can make the choice to clothe me in white, or leave me just the way I am before I hit lava. Christians that knew me during my school years and even today think this would be the wrong way to approach things. I don't care what they say. They are no more perfect than me, the bullies, or anyone else.

I have no way of knowing God's plan. I do know that I will be judged, and I am ready. Allowing your stained and bullied self to stand before God in judgement is so raw. You have no control over what she'll say or do. You just have to accept it. If the bullies and those Christians think they are in the right, professionals or personal people, God will show them what they need to see as well. Life is not a one way street. It takes two to tango. God will be in judgement of every man and woman.

I am no exception.