This weekend has been incredibly good. Friday we spent time with Barbara, had lunch and Jason's Deli, and had an all around good time walking the shops in Market Square. My morning appointment went well too. I'll try a new muscle relaxant, and see if it works to counteract the eye problem with Abilify.

Today, Saturday, I went to the tutoring meeting, and found out folks need help with Spanish. This may or may not bring me kids to tutor, but if other tutors want help, I am here to do just that. Martin and I had lunch at the new sushi restaurant on I-45, and it was good. I got the lunch special with the California, Tuna, and another roll, plus miso soup. I have to say Yum-O! The girls are on their way back from Dallas, and should be here about 8. In the meantime, I plan to take Martin's advice, and get another referral for a Baclofen surgeon. At least insurance covers referrals. I can't go wrong there.

Tonight, I plan to relax. I'm still looking at MTurk.com as a possible way to earn money for my Amazon account. I think I'll wait till Martin gets back from Washington DC before I do this though.

Tomorrow is Sunday, and we'll keep Jake and Alex till about 4 when Chris and Robin arrive. Not a bad deal. Next weekend, I hope to see Kyle for a movie day, and just chill if he doesn't have to travel on business. We shall see. All is well, and I like life that is simple like this. :-)

The rest of today has gone well. A little TV, more planning for tutoring students, and now, we're getting ready for dinner. Tonight I plan to relax, and deal with my physical pain. Chronic leg and feet pain is bad enough, but when you add head, neck, and shoulder pain from sleeping wrong, you just become a big ball of pain.

The rest, as they say, is history.

I got a lot done today by way of chores and laundry. Check that off the list. LOL. I spent a portion of the day going through my music collection from the 80s, my musical journal of past and present memories. It's neat, just like the paper journals I keep. Past and present helps me look at life differently every time. I like being able to do that. :-)

So far, the day has been okay. We went for a walk, and I took the iPod Shuffle with me. Like always Mom was critical of the way I walked. Too slow, etc. I take everything with a grain of salt now. There's no point in arguing or trying to justify the CP any longer. I also made a list of tests I need to have done. Pap test, HPV test, and of course, the "now we made it mandatory for all patients who have bloodwork done" HIV test. Okay, about these three...they matter, because I think cervical cancer is just as bad as any other kind, pap tests will verify that I have a virus in me already, and the HIV test, well, at least I know why I would test positive. God and I have no secrets. One assault, and I'm in the rat race. April 23rd, 2005. Yeah. When something that bad happens to you, you remember every damn detail. You also can't help but wonder why the therapist you paid defended everyone but you. The PT, the 3 men that decided to sexualize their relationships with you, told you that you needed to get laid, and so much more. Then, came the touching BS. I know I don't need a therapist now. Why? Because they wouldn't see me as someone who deserves to be presumed innocent. After all, it's my fault for letting the PT and three men into my life in the first place according to the last therapist I saw. So why bother going down this road again?

There's just no point. And as for feeling like Sibyl, well, that goes without saying. This too, is my fault. I let the PT take advantage of me. She wouldn't let my family enter the rooms. So it's my fault that I let her do her "job" and totally humiliate me. That's okay. Every little girl has dreams of being self conscious and humiliated by those who she's supposed to trust. Scew that shit.

Now that I am flying solo with all of the above, I feel like a woman who is empowered in a different sort of way. Empowered enough to know what doesn't work. What does work is listening to the comments made to my face, behind my back, and letting it roll off of me like a duck to water.

There's no cure for CP or any of the shit that I have in my life, so I have to learn to live with it. Or die trying. I always think of a gun loaded, ready to go. Because I know at some point, the sheer insanity of all this is going to push me over the edge. When, I don't know. People say I'm so young, and have a future to look forward to. Yet those bastards don't even know what their own future holds. They just want to save my sorry ass to make them look like they've done something right. Which brings me to a question of how the hell can some get away with dying? Others are institutionalized, and still, some get away with it.

If that question ever gets answered, I'm going to do a happy dance. In the meantime, I'll let society beat me down until I can't take it anymore. After all, like my family, they are just as critical. It's not my life....they get to have control.

I plan to do stuff around the house today. That's all that's on my list. In the meantime, I hope for the best in whatever I do, despite the critical comments and BS. TTFN. TTYL. Ciao.

So far, the day has been okay. We went for a walk, and I took the iPod Shuffle with me. Like always Mom was critical of the way I walked. Too slow, etc. I take everything with a grain of salt now. There's no point in arguing or trying to justify the CP any longer. I also made a list of tests I need to have done. Pap test, HPV test, and of course, the "now we made it mandatory for all patients who have bloodwork done" HIV test. Okay, about these three...they matter, because I think cervical cancer is just as bad as any other kind, pap tests will verify that I have a virus in me already, and the HIV test, well, at least I know why I would test positive. God and I have no secrets. One assault, and I'm in the rat race. April 23rd, 2005. Yeah. When something that bad happens to you, you remember every damn detail. You also can't help but wonder why the therapist you paid defended everyone but you. The PT, the 3 men that decided to sexualize their relationships with you, told you that you needed to get laid, and so much more. Then, came the touching BS. I know I don't need a therapist now. Why? Because they wouldn't see me as someone who deserves to be presumed innocent. After all, it's my fault for letting the PT and three men into my life in the first place according to the last therapist I saw. So why bother going down this road again?

There's just no point. And as for feeling like Sibyl, well, that goes without saying. This too, is my fault. I let the PT take advantage of me. She wouldn't let my family enter the rooms. So it's my fault that I let her do her "job" and totally humiliate me. That's okay. Every little girl has dreams of being self conscious and humiliated by those who she's supposed to trust. Scew that shit.

Now that I am flying solo with all of the above, I feel like a woman who is empowered in a different sort of way. Empowered enough to know what doesn't work. What does work is listening to the comments made to my face, behind my back, and letting it roll off of me like a duck to water.

There's no cure for CP or any of the shit that I have in my life, so I have to learn to live with it. Or die trying. I always think of a gun loaded, ready to go. Because I know at some point, the sheer insanity of all this is going to push me over the edge. When, I don't know. People say I'm so young, and have a future to look forward to. Yet those bastards don't even know what their own future holds. They just want to save my sorry ass to make them look like they've done something right. Which brings me to a question of how the hell can some get away with dying? Others are institutionalized, and still, some get away with it.

If that question ever gets answered, I'm going to do a happy dance. In the meantime, I'll let society beat me down until I can't take it anymore. After all, like my family, they are just as critical. It's not my life....they get to have control.

I plan to do stuff around the house today. That's all that's on my list. In the meantime, I hope for the best in whatever I do, despite the critical comments and BS. TTFN. TTYL. Ciao.

Kyle and I had a great time yesterday. Best Buy was fun. We looked at computers and TVs for him, and then, browsed music and DVDs. Then we headed to Circuit City, and did some price comparisons. Best Buy has the better deal for the TV that Kyle wants. We headed to China Bistro, and ordered Almond Chicken and General Tso's Chicken. Yum. Then it was off to Market Square. Kyle has never been here, and prefers it vs. the mall. Hopefully, we can get his parents down from Colorado in the winter season to see all of the shops and eateries. We shared coffee at the Cafe at Borders, and while there, I saw my friend Justin, who was working behind the counter. He's so cool. We would both love to be on the floor helping others, rather than behind a counter. He's actually seeking another job in a few weeks, and lives in The Woodlands. I have a new neighbor. Whoo hoo! After Borders, Kyle and I called it a day. The evening was stormy, and we saw the news after having a steak dinner. Brooks And Dunn, like Coldplay last year, has been cancelled for tonight. Bummer.

Oh well. I can stay home and read. Tomorrow is David's birthday, and I hope he has a good day. ^_^ I plan to enjoy the week, and see the doctor Friday, then, head to Simply Tutoring Saturday prior to lunch with Martin. Sushi, here we come. I just hope the new place is affordable. It looks like a good place though. We shall see. :-)

Life is good, but my physical health has had some issues lately. I am hoping to remedy the cough with over the counter medications of various kinds. I just hope this doesn't turn into bronchitis. As for the CP, we are still waiting on the doctor's office to call and decide if we want to do the surgical option or oral medications. Either way, I should be okay, but I'd like a definite yes or no to know which direction to move in.

In other news...the tutoring has not been going the way I had hoped, nor have other job prospects come about. So, I am planning on helping my sister with selling items on e-bay. It's better than nothing. At this point, I'll take what I can get. Tomorrow is the Grey's Anatomy season premiere, and I can't wait to see it, as well as read about the writer's views on Yahoo. This weekend, Saturday, Kyle and I are going to hang out. The plan is to go to Best Buy, China Bistro, and Starbucks for the morning. It should be great.

So far, life is okay. I'm just doing the best I can, with the time I've been given. It's a blessing to be able to do that. :-)

The first week in September went well, as we ventured to Little Rock, Arkansas to see family. Sharon and I had a blast shopping, and enjoying each other's company. I also had a good conversation with Brett about disabled people and our medical treatment improvements, job searches, etc. After we got home, things were still going well. Dad left Sunday on business, and this week, September 10-15, Mom and I are spending time getting things done. I went to The Worksource, and took my typing test, doing well both the first and second time I took it. Now, I am getting things ready for HR in Conroe whenever we head down there to take my clerical test. I hope that this time, I can land a job. It's really all about God's will for my life at this point. He's in control.

Dad will get home late Friday night, and then, Saturday evening, I'll head to The Coffee Guy to see Canopy perform. It should be fun.

Then, the following week, I hope to head to Conroe to take care of my application, testing, and other needs we have to meet, medically and financially. All should go well though.

At the end of September, I have appointments and meetings and then, we move into October. Cheers! :-)

This weekend has gone well so far. We headed into the heart of The Woodlands to see my brother and a house he's building and designing. Double Dave's Pizzaworks was great, but I'm starving again, so I grabbed a fistfull of peanuts to munch on. We're packing to head to Arkansas in the morning, and we'll stay through Wednesday. After that, who knows? I hope to get a call about work. Staying home with my family has been fun, but it's time for me to work again. I hope all works out, literally. Tutoring is a challenge when you can't find students, and I'm thinking about leaving the company once I find a better job. I could be like my sister and attempt to work two jobs, but that may not go over well with employers. We shall see what happens. Happy Labor Day to all, and I'll post again soon. :-)