Times are hard. Really really hard. Family and friends clearly don't understand disabled anything.....me, living people of all ages, races, creeds, and the dead. I am alone. Completely. Tonight, as I left a eatery, I heard two girls discussing a mom. Her son, Aspergers Syndrome, Autism Spectrum, as if he is trash. Trash. I am not alone. I am not the only trash. We are now worldwide. Trash. It's our fault, born and later in life developing all the things the government swears they won't help fix or cure because of money, etc. etc. etc.

I don't get it. I don't get it at all. I can't do this and I can't fight. My numbers are okay, all below 200, but I am not ever going to be okay.....I'm going to die. One day. One day...Dead. Dead with a pitiful funeral by people who don't know. Care? What? When you don't read books, and you demand I do all the able bodied stuff. Education, jobs, relationships, children, sheltered life....with no hope of ever being ready for true independent living. I have no skills. Never paid rent or bills alone. Never experienced how to deal with medical Medicaid Bills, or anything close. I am not ready.

But I know deep in me, there will be ready.....somewhere. In the hate. In the confusion of those who are not me. Those who Hot and Cold me....because they Love me, and Hate dealing with me, because I am killing them. Family and friends don't care. They....don't care. Is it control? Is it me? Is it my ADD brother and friends who are dead?

Am I crazy? Sick? Unable? Stupid? Dumb? Not good enough to be able bodied and DisAbled at the same time? This Double life......surreal. Public....able bodied. Stupid. Dumb, overdramatic. Mountains out of molehills, Jesus hater. Satan fool. Dumb to love other religions, sexes, political views. WRONG all the time.

I have NEVER heard both sides now. NEVER. Joni Mitchell, you did. You sang and i heard you...I LISTENED....Still do. Both sides. A and B. Can anyone else hear this? Or am I truly off the wall? Human Nature to be gay, white, disabled, woman? YES. It's who I am. And I'm OKAY with ME. Why can't the world be OKAY with me, and with other kids who are like me? We don't ask to be DIS Abled! We want what you have!!! Money, jobs, stuff, people.....and we WANT it all!!!!!!!!!!!!! But, we know we CAN'T have it ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And we ACCEPT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why can't YOU America!? Black, White, Asian, Hispanic, Gay, Straight, LOVED! Another military man died because he was GAY. Murdered in Afganistan! Don't ask, Don't tell. Don't Speak, See or Hear any of us....Differences don't count......or DO they????????

Do I have to DIE to PROVE anything else??????? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T! I WON'T! I'll LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Perfectly Imperfect! ME! :) :] :P *] Cyclops is WATCHING ME. Whee!!!!!!!!! :}