My iPod holds the songs to my life. Each one shows me fully, completely, nothing left to chance. Mystery, unknowns, question mark life, question mark deaths, questions, holes, gaps, things I can't cure. All of it. Movies and TV can't even put down what the music can. Music is first. Movies and TV second. It's how I am. Viitamins, supplements, OTCs now. Pandora's Box holds my past. But I am going to keep moving. Life is life. Valued. Death, valued. Steam, a series on the web by Caryn Johnson, the delightful Whoopi Goldberg, has done something no woman on earth has. Not only did she capture her character, Jodi Quinn, but she also played Nurse Valerie in Girl, Interrupted, my first ever diagnosis. Yes, I see me in the whole cast. A girl who knew she was Interrupted, and needed to face herself. And boy, have I ever. I face life and death all the time. And I am not going to lie down and die because people don't know. Or they want to kill me with words, kindness, and bullying in all forms. Hell? Pure and simple here. Complex? Indeed. Jesus and Satan play Badmitton with me, the Birdie. And yes, I fly over the cukoo's nest with Jack and Angie because by God, they matter to me. Evil and good matter. Philosophy and French, the world as a whole, live, in Technicolor, it matters to ME.

Cerebral Palsy and DID. Surgery after surgery, medications, medical treatments half the universe will NEVER see or do themselves. Yet I sit and watch my friends die. By suicide. I sit and think, damn, another one gone. A human who didn't stand and fight. Took the easy way out. Damn.

Disabled people. Plenty here on Earth and dead too. The dead were close to me. Still are. They move with me. From deep inside. They keep me alive, LIVING. Medical people have no idea what is beyond meds and cutting me open, sewing me up, sending me back out into an institution and mainstreamed world where I am never going to be Able Bodied. Hell. Indeed.

I don't stop. I do it all. The mind and body connection keep moving. My wife is an ER doctor, and damn, this woman knows how to handle life. She doesn't care how sick her patients are. THose she loses still mean something when she gets home to lie with me. My wife loves me. She loves souls. And I walk with her. Through the "How to save a life today" and I lost another patient today. We wed October 10, 1993. I'm never going to know what we will do next, but that's okay. We plan to donate this body to science, and just die in peace one day. And since we went from growing up Christian to Atheist in 33 years time, yippee for us. I no longer allow the religion, sex, and politics to define me. My wife is okay. I am okay. Labels, etc. are what they are. We keep moving.

My cruise ship is full now. Marlee Matlin, Michael J. Fox, Montel Williams, and ME. Incurable optimists. Boom....boom.....Pow. Black Eyed Peas. Theater, music, dance. Me in a nutshell. Broadway, Edward Albee, Stephen Sondheim, Dr. Sidney Berger, UH School of Theater director all 4 years I was there.....Jim Parsons, me, and my buddies. We did it. We can now go on. Be anywhere, anyone, and not give a hoot and holler.

Brave and I Stand by Idina Menzel. Damn what a woman she is. And husband Taye Diggs.....what a true man. Soul man. From The Wild Party, Wicked, RENT, to Private Practice.....this man has me wrapped up in him. And when I discovered his cast.....Amy Breneman, Tim Daly, Tyne Daly's son. Audra MacDonald. I am speechless here. Truly full circle! Judging Amy, Cagney and Lacy, Brady Bunch, Partridge Family, Greatest American Hero, God, TV was my life growing up!

Theater....in the middle of medical crap shoots, I managed to hit the stage. Dance before walking at age 5. Swan Lake and The Nutcracker? Nope. Just dance. My way. My moves. No one to tell me how! Damn this is freedom. My yoga. My dance. My life. Albee. His darkness is my way of being....seeing....Me.

Scripts pile up here. I work for free. Don't care. Just do it. Do what we love. All 20 of my alters. We rock. We love it. ALL of it. We know.....Perfectly Imperfect. Boom. Tick...Tick...Boom! Anything Goes Guys and Dolls! And yes, my RENT as a true Bohemian starts at the end of 2009 in a HUD apartment. Damn this life is rich and wealthy!

Now if you'll excuse me and my DID Posse of 20, we are going to take the CP body and DANCE!!!